Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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