i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We need to rekindle our bromance
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
