last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
