I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize