I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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