It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
