I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
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