please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
