I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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