Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize