If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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