My sheets look like a crime scene.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
