she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
its not stalking. its research.
i dont even know how to be here
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize