at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
