and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
