One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I can't turn off my feet"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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