If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
