That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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