I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
