I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
