she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
