why do cheetos always look like penises
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
