Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
