Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
