Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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