I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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