dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
