If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
