I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
So much rum. So many feels.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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