it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
