I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
