Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize