tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He better not be in your backpack
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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