my text book just quoted the cookie monster
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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