You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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