You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
