She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize