i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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