My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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