He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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