He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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