I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize