Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
