based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Randomize
