did you get engaged???
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
