I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
