is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
