I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
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