thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
two words...techno handjob
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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