no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
