I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
